I can't believe it's been a full month since my last post!
A lot has changed in my life this month... We went from overjoyed with happiness to the very bottom of despair.
Death is a hard thing for some people to understand, how can someone you love and that you've know for so long just be gone? I worked as an activity director in a nursing home for nearly 3 years, and I can tell you now that you never get used to it, you never get used to playing games with someone on Monday afternoon and come in to find out that they are gone Tuesday morning. But you must learn to cope with it, and you must learn to move on from it. After three years, I wasn't able to cope after I lost 3 of my favorite guys back to back, two within hours of each other. I had to quit, I was done, I was no longer me and my heart had been tainted with death for far too long. But I did learn to accept death was part of life, and so when we lost Grandma this past week, it was easier for me than for others. I love her and i will miss her, but I know she is not gone, and I know that she is not in pain anymore. And that is what makes it easier.
I suppose the most upsetting part of losing grandma was how everyone in the family behaved, at such a tragic time in they showed their true colors and personalities, those who were usually sweet and kind became sneaky and rude, they became drunks who hid behind txt messages, and drama causers. In her last few hours she heard her family fight and fall apart and i'm sure it broke her heart. There are family members who are no long my family because of their actions and they should feel guilty for what they've done, I hope they always feel guilty for the way they behaved in her last few hours and in the days after her passing.
She wouldn't have wanted that.
We also had our own tragedy, my husband and I... We finally got pregnant, and then miscarried. It was nearly a week before I let myself grieve for my loss... I just focused on grandma's funeral and tried to block it out. The day after her funeral I just cried all day long, my heart hurt. My mom and my MIL reassured me that there is a silver lining to all of this... I got pregnant, and WE did it on our own! No IUI, no medication, nothing but he and I. The doctors gave up on those 6 little eggs but we didn't, and even though it was only for a little while, one of them took, one of them gave us hope!
I've read a lot, and what I keep finding is that a woman who has a miscarriage, even one who goes on to have more children, never forgets the one she lost... I can understand that, but at the same time, I refuse to dwell on what i lost, I refused to let this loss rule my life, I will go on, and I will get pregnant again. I may never forget, but I'm sure with time the emptiness will be filled again.
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